I’m Single Because I Haven’t Learned How To Be In A Relationship

The title alone says a lot without saying anything at all. However, that’s my truth. As I get older, I truly start to accept truths about myself but most importantly, I learn how to be completely honest with myself. I’ve been asked so many times about being single that it forced me to honestly sit in my truth and answer the question.

When you have several unsuccessful relationships under your belt, you have to think about what was your part in the break-up. Most importantly, you have to be willing to accept honesty from yourself. You simply were not ready to be in a relationship because you really never learned how to. Your relationship can’t be based off of everyone else’s advice. That NEVER WORKS OUT.

An important truth that I learned about myself and relationships was that I fear normality. Growing up, all of the women in my family never had a successful relationships. That was normal to me because it was all that ever saw. The women in my family usually ended up alone and never willingly or openly discusses why they were single. I am what I attract and I attract men who are abnormal. The problem is that when they start to exude abnormal normalities, I get scared and I leave.

I also have learned and become comfortable with being single. I have learned how to do things on my own and depend on myself. I have become extremely comfortable with being the only one in my space. So, when a man is truly interested in me and want’s to share in my space, I become uncomfortable. It is discomforting allowing another body in my space when I’ve been the only one in it for so long. That is not something that changes over weeks, months, or years. That change simply takes time.

An ex told me that I was never open with him. My therapist told me that I’m uncomfortable with vulnerability. I often think about both of these things and wonder why I struggle with them. I came to another conclusion that I much too often hold out on these things because I always assume that “He only likes me for one thing and then he will leave”. Since I usually assume that, I get scared and I find a reason to end things.

I made up in my mind what a successful relationship looks like and I have to let that go. There is no picture or instructions to what a successful relationship looks like. It is simply about possessing the ability to be honest and accept honesty in return.

Social Media Official

A storm has taken place and it has destroyed many of the hidden gems. The hidden gems are now in plain sight and it comes in the form of social media. Although oversharing the details of your intimate relationships is not new, sharing the falsehoods of the “Perfect” relationship on social media is. It is uncommonly common today and people are losing sight of truly connecting with their partners.

What am I saying? I posed a question on the last episode of VIBEZ Podcast, season two, asking whether a relationship is official without social media. My guest couldn’t answer the question and I sensed her thinking about whether her relationships were official. So many social media users overshare their personal lives via internet for unknown reasons. When relationships are shared on social media, it poses many questions about the validity of the union.

If I post you on my social media then that means that we’re officially together and monogamous. If I post you all the time on my social media then that also means that you’re the one for me. Also, it means that I expect you to acknowledge our relationship and tell your friends about it. These are reasons that I believe people use when answering this question. I also believe that many people really just want the attention and validation for self worth and esteem purposes. Does anyone really connect with their partners outside of social media?

Why is a relationship considered official once its been posted to social media? Were you not together beforehand? Did you actually communicate with each other that you were in a relationship as committed partners? Are you waiting on a social media friend’s stamp of approval? Can you be in an official relationship without ever posting your partner on social media?

I feel as if I was born in the baby boomer era. I’m not posting you on my social media until (If ever) I feel that I truly just want to share our happiness with the world. The sharing of relationships should be at the discretion of those parties who are together. If you both say that “Let’s make it official by posting on social media” then that’s your right. What if one person decides to just post you and your relationship status without your knowledge? Will that cause conflict between the both of you?

My overall question is simple. Why is social media such an important construct in the validity of your relationship?

Throwback to DVSN

This week in musical discoveries, I stumbled upon the album “Morning After” by the group “DVSN”. I honestly first heard of the group early last year when I heard one of their songs on the radio. It sounded like real music. I was an instant fan! 

With melodic ballads that will heighten your senses and simply enlighten you, "Morning After" feeds the soul. The first single on the album, "Run Away", puts you in a trance as you imagine yourself running through an open field of lilies and soaking up the freedom of you. The song "Think About Me" fills you with thought and goes great with a cocktail. 

"P.O.V." gives you throwback glory (Maxwell) wrapped in sensuousness. DVSN manages to keep your attention throughout the entire album, not needing to skip any song. 

Do yourself a favor and add "Morning After" by DVSN to your rotation. 

I Would Rather Work For Myself

There is a new wave of entrepreneurship going around and it’s mostly hitting Generation Z and Millennials. Having a boss does not sound attractive nor does is sound like something that might be interesting. I interviewed two people each from Gen Z and the Millennial generation and the answers were surprisingly the same.

I posed the question of ” Would you rather work a regular 9 to 5 or for yourself and why”. The Gen Z kids had answers right away as the Millennial generation really thought about the family aspect. Starting with Generation Z, the conversation went as follows:

Me: Why do you prefer to work for yourself as opposed to a regular 9 to 5?

Gabrielle: I feel restricted working a 9 to 5. I don’t like not being free to do whatever I want. The energy and time that I put forth in working for a corporation is the same energy and time that I can invest in myself.

Me: Do you think your generation values the stability of a 9 to 5?

Gabrielle: We don’t think about the 9 to 5 in that way. We can provide stability for ourselves with more freedom if we work for ourselves. We like to sleep in and then go to work later. It’s all about convenience for us. We want to do it our way and on our own time.

I spoke with another Gen Z member and he was able to specify why administration in corporations are causing the loss of younger employees.

Me: Do you prefer working a 9 to 5 or for yourself and why?

Elven: I prefer working for myself mainly because it’s more flexible. Also, I can sleep in late and just take my time with getting my work done. I can be as creative as I want to without being concerned about whether its against policy and procedure.

Me: Is it one particular thing that drives you away from corporate?

Elven: Its honestly not having a say at your job. Following rules that don’t make sense and nobody listening to your suggestions is frustrating. Working for yourself, you can be as successful as you want to be if you drive yourself to succeed.

It’s safe to say that Generation Z is all about freedom of expression and lack of rules. They need creative space and leisure time to really provide great work results. If that’s not the case then the morale drops.

Moving on to the Millennial generation! I interviewed to women who are mothers and married and their answers were more family based.

Me: Would you prefer working for yourself or a regular job and why?

Lauren: I would prefer working for myself because I would be able to spend more time with my family. I feel like I could just work for myself and be happy while spending more time with my husband and son. It would be more convenient also because I could work from home and go as I please.

I asked another mother the same question and she was stern on her answer.

Felicia: I would rather work for myself because of flexibility, autonomy, and creativity. When you work for others you have to worry about the disrespect while still following their rules. The benefit however would be structure. If I worked for myself, I would probably sleep, eat, and watch TV all day and not get any work done.

There is a surprising resemblance is answers with both generations. In the typical corporate workplace, there is a lack of being creative and flexibility. The leadership is lackadaisical because they are not in tune with the employees wants and needs. Working for yourself seems more interesting because you simply DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. The common denominator is SLEEP. People would rather work for themselves because they could get more sleep. What does that say about Corporate America?

What’s your take on working for yourself as opposed to working a 9 to 5 job?

I Am Not Responsible For Your Happiness

You can’t find happiness within a person but you can experience it within yourself. Happiness is not found in people and you lie to yourself when you state that a person can make you happy or completes you. No one person or any amount of people can make you feel something that you have to experience for yourself. If you are not already at a place of peace or joy then you can’t blame someone for something YOU ALONE are responsible for finding within YOU.

The ever so tiring relationship memes about finding happiness within him/her and how you expect it to happen is pure foolery. If you don’t feel a sense of accomplishment or completeness within yourself then how do you expect another person to make YOU feel that? What is it that makes you happy? The falsehoods that society dishes out as “Happiness” is just that, FALSEHOODS. You can’t place blame on someone else for something that you have yet to figure out for yourself. It is your responsibility to dig deep within your psyche and compile information on your destiny.

It is a burden to place your weight of life upon someone else. It is a burden to store your unknown’s in someone else’s space. It is a burden to place your life items in someone else’s basket. The key word in all of this is YOUR. It belongs to you. You are the sole owner of your things. Therefore, you have to complete your own journey to solely find your happiness.

When you become angry with someone for not making you happy, you are internally blaming yourself for not knowing what completes you. Outwardly, your mate seems to be the end of the line but inwardly, you have never known your beginning. You don’t really know what motivates you, what drives you, what makes you feel secure or wanted, or even what makes you feel accomplished. What you do know is that you have learned how to place blame on someone else for finding something that you lost.

YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You will not find it within another person but you can connect with someone who has found their own happiness. Take some time off from the constant distractions of the world and figure out what your happiness looks and feels like.

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My Advice Is Free But My Peace Is Not

There is usually the friend in the group who is the peacemaker. That friend usually gives out great advice for the best interest of his/her friends. That person also is usually the one who never feels truly comfortable enough with any one friend to confide in. That person is overwhelmed and underserved.

Peace in the form of solidarity comes at a price. Sometimes, that job, or the extra volunteer work takes a toll on you. That relationship has completely broken you from the inside out. The children have completely drained any lasting energy that you were secretly hanging on to. Now, here comes those friends or that one person who has no common knowledge that you’re hanging on by a thread. They throw their baggage onto you expecting you to resolve a top tiered leveled crisis of theirs. Even though you have expressed your own crises and how you simply need time to heal, they expect you to put their issues first.

Your peace is not free! It comes at a cost. If you are the go to person who seemingly always have the answers, it’s at a higher cost. You have to sacrifice, multi-task, compromise, and god knows what else. You end up paying for your own peace. It is not your job to fix everyone or everything. You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. You are responsible for your own sanity. You can’t be at peace if you’re still paying for someone else’s.

It’s more than ok to choose your own peace over everything else. You don’t have all of the answers and that’s ok. You are not GOOGLE and sometimes google doesn’t even have the answers. What does your peace look like? What does it sound like? Who does it include? How does it make you feel?

What I know for sure is that my peace is more important than your demands!

You Are WORTHY

If you have not already done so then please do yourself a favor and listen to India Arie’s new album, “Worthy”. She is back! Being a big India Arie fan myself, I can truly say that I am in no way, shape, or form disappointed. The India Arie that we truly know is simply back.

With her eight studio album, “Worthy” describes a life of purpose after finding love within one’s self. India seeps into our minds with tracks such as “Rollercoaster” in which she details the current state of our government and war on black people. She gives us a soulful ballad with “Steady Love“. It takes us back to real music with meaning and substance.

Her debut single from this album is “Magic” in which a video was also released. Magic, in comparison, is our updated version of “The Truth”. This song details her love of a man whose spirituality and mentality connects so deep with her, it wows her like magic. The video, starring Lyric Bennet, gives us the feels as it portrays what it’s like to simply be in the truest form of love.

This is an album that you can play straight through with skipping a song. It’s an album of love, compassion, lesson, and deep thought. It’s an album that teaches us to love ourselves first and to understand that we are worthy. It’s an album that touches our spirits and makes our souls speak out. This is an India Arie album.

I’m Not Better Than You! I’ve Outgrown You!

Growth is inevitable and some people won’t be able to understand that. You don’t have to explain to someone why you no longer desire to stoop to their level of being. You have simply experienced the spirit of growth. What you used to love is now something that you can barely tolerate. Don’t doubt that you’ve grown.

You will definitely be called lame, old, boring, or different. You might find yourself sitting alone on your couch trying to figure out if you did something wrong. You might feel guilty about no speaking about your feelings out loud to that particular group of people or person. You owe no explanation other than, “I’ve outgrown you”.

It’s not something to be afraid of. Activities that used to highly entertain you now feel like a chore or obligation. You would rather stay home, cook, and catch up on some of your favorite shows. You now actually would rather just chill at your best friends house and have pizza and beer. That’s your new type of entertainment.

There are certain people that you don’t like being around anymore. They drain all of your energy. They make you feel parental with all of their burdens that they place on you. You feel incompetent at times because of how they choose to speak to you or how they never own up to anything. You’re not better than them. You have simply outgrown them. Your tolerance for ignorance and susceptibility has depleted. The energy that you have now is something that you must preserve.

If you find yourself always questioning your decisions when “That person or those people” are around then it’s time to move on from them. You don’t even question yourself that much. Have you realized that you have been more of the stable friend versus the other way around? Can you depend on that person as much as they depend on you? Will they show up for you as much as you show up for them?

You are not meant to stay stagnant all of your life. Growth is the next step on your journey of finding your inner and outer peace. Accepting that some people will not continue on that journey with you is going to be difficult. If you love yourself then you will find the strength and courage to move on.

VIBEZ Podcast (2×3)

Everyone, check out the video of VIBEZ and see the people behind the microphone. The special guest are Deja and Lauren of the newly founded Chicago business, Unladylike. We discussed celebrity entertainment news getting older.

You can subscribe to VIBEZ Podcast on Apple, Spotify, IHeartRadio, Podbean, Spreaker, Stitcher and Castbox. Make sure you download episodes and leave a review.

VIBEZ PODCAST Season 2 Episode 3

Help Is On The Way

It’s a new year which means that you should be working to renew your outlook on life. Those daily struggles that seem to follow you around don’t have to be the downfall of you. Do you know that getting help or retaining counseling is perfectly fine. Don’t ever let yourself get to the point where you just absolutely want to give in and give up. Help is on the way. Check out my trailer on my upcoming short film “SPACE” that details the struggles of a therapist battling with her own mental health issues.

A Lack of Everything

On the season two opener of my podcast, I had a in depth conversation with my ex-boyfriend about why our relationship ended. The conversation was insightful at times and unnerving during others. All in all, I learned something new about myself during that conversation. The lesson was to “Listen to Understand” and not to respond.

I don’t know too many people, friends or family, who can truly attest to the fact that they listen in this way. If you’re too quiet of a person, then people perceive you as sneaky. If you’re too loud of a person, then people perceive you as aggressive and overbearing. Either way, you’re being perceived as something that you might not even be. Those people never listened to understand who you are.

What I discovered about my listening skills is that I too often listened to judge. I was usually right in every situation or so I told myself. I already had an attitude and had mapped out everything that I would say during a disagreement. I was not listening with my heart and mind, yet with my ears and mouth. I was listening to prove a point! A point that was not even factual.

Our relationship ended for one simple reason. There was a lack of everything. A lack of listening, compromise, understanding, love, connection, etc. Just because he/she/they make you laugh does not mean that it’s meant to be. It could simply mean that the person is funny. THAT’S IT!

In order to truly listen to understand someone, you have to possess empathy and sympathy and place everything you know in a separate bag. Grab a new bag and place all of the new and fresh information in it. Then, use your empathy and sympathy to dissect what you heard and you will be able to understand it differently. I know I did! I learned something about our relationship that I never would have known.

We Got Married Because It Was The Right Thing To Do

Love is in the air and people are breathing it all in. Or maybe that was just a thought of mine! More and more, I’m beginning to see that a lot of millennials are getting married. The pictures seem to prove a thousand different words with images that appear to capture the pure essence of love. That or either it’s simply just a picture.

On three separate occasions, I have been informed of the truth of what looked like a “Happy” marriage. This time, it’s the men that are proving to be unhappy. When asked why they went through with the marriage, each man responded by saying that “He thought it was the right thing to do”. All under thirty, each man admitted to feeling miserable in his marriage.

Each guy said he felt pressured by his or her family to go through with the wedding. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Neither man ever thought about whether or not he was disappointing himself. Going into a marriage based on pleasing others can lead to a destructive union.

When I think of marriage, I genuinely think about the rest of my life. I imagine myself to live until I’m ninety-nine years old. I visualize myself resting in a hammock near a great body of water at the age of fifty. I know for a fact that I will take my retirement money and cruise around the world. When it comes to marriage, I simply want to do all of these things with someone who satisfies my soul.

I was also told that marriage was a business. Although I’m not married, marriage should not be a business. If you enter into a marriage with that concept then that’s how it will turn out. Sometimes, businesses fail and you don’t always want to resurrect them. You might have a new idea and move on to it. Is that how you’re going to treat your marriage?

When marrying someone else becomes the “Right thing to do”, it becomes the wrong life to live. What happens when you’re no longer physically or emotionally attracted to your partner? You stay and then what? You live in misery and then what? You fall into a deep depression and then what? You lose yourself and you believe that love does not exist.

Before you propose, because it’s the right thing to do, think about the rest of your life. How long do you see yourself living? What are your plans for when you turn sixty-five? Do you truly want to spend that time with the person that you’re either married to or plan on proposing to? If you’re in a marriage now because it was the right thing to do, are you happy? Have you ever been?

It’s OK to admit the truth to yourself. That’s where you have to begin. It’s OK if things don’t work out. That’s you taking steps towards your own happiness. It’s OK for you to do what’s right for you. That’s living your best life! 

What is the right thing to do? Societal pressures and familial traditions! Often times, we think that following in the foot steps of family or proving to be better than someone else is what’s right. Only you can determine what’s right for YOU because YOU know yourself better than anyone else. What feels right to you? When you figure it out then you will understand that that’s the right thing to do.

He’s Nice! I’m Still Not Interested!

There is a true complex when it comes to dating. There are the issues of communication, honesty, faithfulness, etc. Sometimes, you have all of these things and yet something still feels as if it is missing. That something is usually a real connection.

Inclusive of myself, the struggle with dating the nice guy is that there is usually a lack of connection. This is not to blame on the guy or girl but rather an issue that is self-reflective. Sometimes, you simply know what and who you are looking for. All of the time, you should know what you are attracted to.

Turning away the nice guy can seem very trivial to most because that is usually the guy who meets all of the criteria on your checklist. Your closest friends and family may even begin to judge you for your lack of consideration and letting go of a “Good Man”. However, you are the only person who truly know’s what it is that makes you happy and you will know when you feel it.

The nice guy pays for all of the dates, he picks you up, he sends flowers to your job and he is very respectful to you at all times. He plans ahead, he makes himself available when you need help and even wants to be the person you call first during trying times. It sounds perfect, except for the part where you simply don’t connect with him emotionally or physically. What do you do?

So many people force themselves into relationships because of the materialistic offerings. Also, so many people are miserable in these same relationships because they never really truly connected with their partner.

Don’t feel like you’re broken if you continue to date but usually are not interested in any of them. You’re not broken, you’re unique! You are one of the few people who really know what love is because you feel it before you see it.

Don’t settle for the guy because he is nice! Wait for your love! There is no telling how long the wait might be but when you feel it, everything is brighter. I’ve figured this out about myself. I’ve been on plenty of dates within the last eight months and not once have I felt connected to any of them. I thought something was wrong with me at first but I realized that I’m just a rare commodity.

I do not enter relationships based on what I see but rather what I feel. When I feel it, I will know.

I Am Not Responsible For Your Happiness

You can’t find happiness within a person but you can experience it within yourself. Happiness is not found in people and you lie to yourself when you state that a person can make you happy or completes you. No one person or any amount of people can make you feel something that you have to experience for yourself. If you are not already at a place of peace or joy then you can’t blame someone for something YOU ALONE are responsible for finding within YOU.

The ever so tiring relationship memes about finding happiness within him/her and how you expect it to happen is pure foolery. If you don’t feel a sense of accomplishment or completeness within yourself then how do you expect another person to make YOU feel that? What is it that makes you happy? The falsehoods that society dishes out as “Happiness” is just that, FALSEHOODS. You can’t place blame on someone else for something that you have yet to figure out for yourself. It is your responsibility to dig deep within your psyche and compile information on your destiny.

It is a burden to place your weight of life upon someone else. It is a burden to store your unknown’s in someone else’s space. It is a burden to place your life items in someone else’s basket. The key word in all of this is YOUR. It belongs to you. You are the sole owner of your things. Therefore, you have to complete your own journey to solely find your happiness.

When you become angry with someone for not making you happy, you are internally blaming yourself for not knowing what completes you. Outwardly, your mate seems to be the end of the line but inwardly, you have never known your beginning. You don’t really know what motivates you, what drives you, what makes you feel secure or wanted, or even what makes you feel accomplished. What you do know is that you have learned how to place blame on someone else for finding something that you lost.

YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You will not find it within another person but you can connect with someone who has found their own happiness. Take some time off from the constant distractions of the world and figure out what your happiness looks and feels like.

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